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World War G Transcript
This is the transcript for the longest and last official canon episode of Monster Island Buddies, at least until episode 101 onward. Enjoy! Restoring the Universe Paul Reiser: I now call this emergency meeting of the all mighty gods to order. I, television's Paul Reiser, the most powerful deity and King of Kings, have summoned you here today to address the troubling situation. God of Humor: I believe Cthulhu is missing, oh my lord Reiser, who starred in head sitcom Mad About You. God of WTF: Cthulhu never comes to these meetings. What's this about m'lord who starred in television's My Two Dads? Paul Reiser: I'm concerned about the multiverse, the infinite possible universes that exist. As you know, there's an acceptable quota of universes that are allowed to be destroyed each year. It seems we're gone over the quota...by one. What have you to say, Gods of Space and Time? I'm Paul Reiser! Gods of Space and Time: It would appear that Godzilla and his friends used illegal time travel to create a paradox and destroy their universe, oh great one who appeared in Beverly Hills Cop. Paul Reiser: And Beverly Hills Cop 2. Why was Godzilla willing to destroy his own universe? Gods of Space and Time: To stop an invasion of Cthulhu, oh lord and star of Stranger Things ''on Netflix. Paul Reiser: Okay, let's not get carried away. I was in ''one ''episode of Stranger Things to date. And why was Cthulhu allowed to invade Earth? Lord Blundergosh, as god of the monsters, you should have stopped this. Blundergosh: Don't tell me what to-Hey! I loved you in ''Whiplash, man! Paul Reiser: Blundergosh, are you drunk? God of Humor: He's been drunk for the last few years, sir, ever since he was forced to let a bunch of monsters back to life because they beat him in beer pong. Blundergosh: I beat you in beer pong, and you, and you, and you! Excuse me. (throws up) Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my porn collection! Paul Reiser: Oh boy. Okay, we have to get this guy sober. For now, ducks, I need you to rebuild and repair the most recently destroyed universe as it was before the time travel fiasco. Gods of Space and Time: It shall be done, the Monster Island Buddies shall return! Paul Reiser: I'm Paul Reiser. The Final Charge Godzilla: What the? Hey, wer-, we're alive again! Rodan: And nothing's changed. Cthulhu is right outside and he's gonna kill us all! Cthulhu: There's no sense in delaying your inevitable death! Come out and face us, monsters! Godzilla: Okay troops, we know what we have to do. We have to fight until there's no fight left in us. Mothra: But we're scared. Godzilla: Scared? Mothra, you were put on this Earth to defend it, not just from Ghidorahs, but from all evil. Minilla, you've grown into a true leader and spiritual protector of this planet. Gorosaurus, um...I'll come back to you. Gamera and Anguirus, you both have special prophet skills that can guide us through this battle. And Mechagodzilla, nobody's smarter than you. Titanosaurus: Ahem. Godzilla: Gigan, you never give up and I mean that. You like, never give up! And you um...who the fuck are you? Manda: I'm Manda? We were in Destroy All Monster ''together? Nothing? Godzilla: The point is, we're not gonna let Cthulhu and his army take our world, are we? I'm not. You know why? 'Cause I'm the king of the goddamn monsters! Rodan: Yeah! Godzilla: Now let's fucking fight! Rodan: Okay, you heard him, come on! Cthulhu: Oh look, here comes the heroes, about to make their last stand! Destoroyah: Um, they really outnumber us. Cthulhu: Then we'll reach into the depths of Hell for backup. Rodan: What? Oh, come on! Cthulhu: Destroy them all! The Final Battle Begins Godzilla: Hey, what's shielding us? SpaceGodzilla: Oh, that would be my crystal shield. But I can't hold it longer, so go kick their asses quickly! Minilla: We need to surround them. I need men behind them. Baragon, dig a tunnel and take a few of the troops to the other side of the field. Baragon: Hey, consider it done. Minilla: Jet, you shrink down in size and sneak over there. Jet Jaguar: Here goes nothing. Mini Jaguar: Hey, I can change sizes! Up, up, and away! Baragon: Gotcha! Okay Mothra, do it now! Mothra: Hey guys, remember me? Keizer Ghidorah: Ow! Godzilla: Charge! Gojira: Kill! Gorosaurus: Ah! Look what happened! Ebirah: No. Gojira: Kill! Varan: Come on, man! Destoroyah: Enough of this nonsense! Godzilla: Get the fuck down from there! Destoroyah: Ow! Ow! Fuck you! Cloverfield: Hail Cthulhu! I will eat you! Mini Jaguar: Ahh! Oh no, I can't get free. Ah, he's got me! Mothra: Jet, no! Cloverfield: Om, nom nom nom nom! (Burps) Moguera: '''Oh my god, you killed my boyfriend! Hello.' Mothra: Close one. Rodan: Don't worry, honey. I got him. DIVEBOOOOOOOOOOMB! Cthulhu: You fools will never be able to defeat me! Orga: I mean should we even keep fighting? Megalon: What are you talking about? Of course we keep fighting. Orga: Yeah but, have you ever noticed that everything the monsters fight to stop just winds up happening the following season of the show? Megalon: What? What show? Orga: You don't see the camera right there? Megalon: No. You know, you're really we- Gigan: Megalon, oh no! Megalon: Its...Its happening. I was warned about this, that one day I would die. Today is that day. Gigan: No. NO! Today is the day you live! Do you here me? Live, damnit! Megalon: I'm...I'm gonna live? Gigan: You're gonna live, right? Megalon: Right? Gigan: Right? You guys? Megalon: Right. Yeah. I'm gonna live! I'm alive! The fear is gone! Orga: What a touching moment. I'm sure the audience is thrilled. Megalon: What audience? You know, you have problems. Orga: You realize a giant hand just carried you away, right? Destoroyah: Ow, stop it! Godzilla: Great job, Anguirus. Anguirus: Godzilla, you must stop your father! Gojira: Kill! Godzilla: Dad, it's me! I know you're in there. You have to control yourself! Gojira: Kill! Mothra: I will never let you Ghidorahs take the Earth. Never! Cloverfield: Stupid butterfly! Mothra: Ow! Cloverfield: Hail the-oh, my chest feels weird. Mini Jaguar: That's right, Clovy, I'm inside you now! Cloverfield: No. Mini Jaguar: Oh look, it's your heart. SONIC PUNCH! Cloverfield: (screams in pain and agony) Mini Jaguar: Whew, it stinks in there. Jet Jaguar: Remember kids, don't ever ever fuck with the Jaguar. Godzilla: Dad, it's me! I'm your son! Gojira: Kill! Godzilla: Dad, I won't kill you...because...I know you could be saved, if you'll just-ow! Moguera: I got you now, you piece of shit! Hello. Godzilla: Ow! Oh! Oh! Rodan: Godzilla...noooooo! Godzilla: Oh, Rody. Rodan: No, Godzilla, don't die. You're the best friend I've ever had, ever since we were little monster babies. Don't you remember? Baby Flashback Baby Godzilla: (crying) Baby Rodan: Hey, are you crying? Baby Godzilla: What? No, I'm not crying. I'm a ferocious monster. Baby Rodan: Oh, well, if you were crying, it's totally cool. I cry sometimes because I'm a little lonely. Baby Godzilla: It's just that, my dad, he wants me to be the biggest, toughest monster just like him. And he made me kill an innocent dolphin and I didn't want to, but, he made me. (crying) Baby Rodan: Oh hi! It's okay! Hi! My name's Baby Rodan. What's yours? Baby Godzilla: I'm Baby Godzilla! Baby Rodan: Hey, Baby Godzilla, I was about to go relax on the beach for a little bit. Do you wanna come? Baby Godzilla: Yeah, yeah, okay! Ah, hey, Rody? Baby Rodan: Yeah? Baby Godzilla: Please don't tell anyone I was crying. Baby Rodan: Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. But please don't call me Rody ever again. I don't like that. Present Time Rodan: And to this day, I never told anyone about your crying. Orga: What? You cried? Lame! Ow! Godzilla: Rody, it's okay. I'll come back with help, somehow. (Dies) Rodan: He's dead! Noooooo! Wind power! I'm gonna summon all the wind I possible can, even if it kills me! Gojira: Kill! Rodan: You killed my best friend in the whole world! More wind! Battra: Battra will help you with the wind! Mothra: And me too! Rodan: That's it! Keep going! Go as hard as you can to keep them away! Purgatory Godzilla: Aw, jeez! Am I in purgatory again? I've been here so many times, it's not even impactful anymore. Where's Blundergosh? I've got words for him. 2000 Godzilla: Uh, Blundergosh has been missing. Godzilla: What the hell and who are you? 2000 Godzilla: Oh, I'm you from an alternate timeline that was destroyed a while back. Godzilla: Alternate timeline? 2000 Godzilla: Yeah! It turns out there are infinite universes creating one giant multiverse. Sometimes we're good, sometimes we're bad, sometimes we're toys or CGI or people in suits. In the multiverse, it's all canon. Godzilla: What? The? Fuck? Losing the War Cthulhu: I haven't had this much fun in eons and nobody can stop me. It's almost too easy! Biollante: What-ever! Shut your stupid baby mouth! Godzilla: Hold him still, Aunt Biollante! Cthulhu: You fool! Do you think you can actually destroy a god? Jet Jaguar: Oh, we're getting our asses kicked now. SpaceGodzilla: That's always how I imagine myself dying. Jet Jaguar: Hey, I've been meaning to ask you. Where does that music come from when you blast your techno-lasers? SpaceGodzilla: Turns out these huge crystals on my shoulders are also Bluetooth speakers. Hey look, I can change the song. Grand King Ghidorah: Hey, what is-What is this music? Hey wha- Jet Jaguar: Oh. Alternate Godzillas Godzilla: But if you're from another universe, why are you in my purgatory? Gods of Space and Time: Because we brought them here! Godzilla: Holy quackamoly, it's the Space-Time Pair of Ducks! The space time pair of ducks: When his timeline was destroyed, this Godzilla was displayed in the universe. The same happened to these other Godzillas. Small Godzilla: Hey. Godzilla: What the hell is happening? The space time pair of ducks: Since their universes all long gone and they have no place to go, we gathered them here to help you in the war while we wait for Blundergosh. Godzilla: Wait for Blundergosh? Where is he? Blundergosh: Ohhhh, so hungover. Back to the War Grand King Ghidorah: You stupid moths! Get away! Mothra: I must say, it's my pleasure to get to do this twice! Battra: Fire power? Mothra: Fear Mothra! Grand King Ghidorah: Ahh! Ahh! Goddamn these moths! Goddamn these moths! Ah! Fuck! Cthulhu: Enough of this! I summon the firestorm to cleanse the battlefield! Gorosaurus: Ah! It's raining fire! That's what happened! Godzillas Assemble Godzilla: So, this is my team of alternate Godzillas? Small Godzilla: Yep, we're ready to kick ass and we're excited to get a new home. Godzilla: And what's your story big guy? Big Godzilla: Godzilla crush bad monsters! The space time pair of ducks: Godzilla, this will be your last chance alive on Earth. The gods can no longer make exceptions under any circumstances. If you ever die again, any of you, it will be permanent. Now go! Take your team and save your universe! Blundergosh: Hey, keep it down in there! It's like, you're so loud. The End of the War Cthulhu: (laughing) SpaceGodzilla: I can't-I can't hold my shield much longer! Rodan: Jet, I want you to know, it's been a pleasure being your friend. Manda: Yeah, Rodan, it's been a pleasure being your friend. Jet Jaguar: Wait, who the hell are you? Manda: I'm Manda. I was in Final Wars. At the very beginning. Gamera: We're all gonna die! Godzilla: Not if we can help it! Rodan: Godzilla, you're back! And there's a whole shit loada you. Godzilla: Godzilla team, let's beat the skreeonk out of some monsters. GKG: I'm alive! Eh-what-what the-what the hell is that thing? Big Godzilla: Crush! GKG: AH! Let me go! Ah shit, my pants! Destoroyah: Ah! Help! This really hurts! I'm supposed to be immune to this! Cthulhu: You're immune to the kaiju of this universe, not monsters from other worlds! This is cheating! Destoroyah: Ah! Ah! No! Fuck you-! Keizer Ghidorah: What the hell is this? Ow, hey, put me down! Mechagodzilla: Quick, get him into the time machine! I have an idea. KG: Stop it! Stop it! Ow, ow! What are you-? Godzilla: What are you doing? You're gonna destroy it! Mechagodzilla: That's the plan! KG: Uh oh. Godzilla: Where did you send him? MG: There's probably a piece of him in every period now. Godzilla: That's brutal. MG: Whelp, I'm done here. Wanna go listen to some Pixies on Vinyl? Godzilla: What? We're still fighting! MG: I gotta go Instagram some pictures of food I'm gonna eat...with a filter over it...probably Mayfair. Rodan: Wait, so is he a hipster again now? Godzilla: I don't know. I don't fucking know. 2000 Godzilla: Now for Cthulhu! Small Godzilla: Attack! Godzilla: Go get him, son! Minilla: Go go go! Final Wars Godzilla: Here I come! Small Godzilla: Grab him! Small Godzilla 2: You're not going anywhere! Cthulhu: Let me go! Minilla: He's all yours, big daddy! Cthulhu: No! No! NO! You fools. This isn't over! I summon every single demon on this Earth to return to me and destroy you all! Why aren't my demons here? Blundergosh: Because I returned them to Hell! Cthulhu: Blundergosh! My sworn enemy! Rodan: Whoa! That's Lord Blundergosh? Gamera: He's...He's beautiful, man! King Caesar: I just got here. What's going on? Who is that up there? Shiiiiiit. Blundergosh: Cthulhu, you have broken your oath by attacking this world before the true end of days! Cthulhu: What can I say? You were out of commission, so I took advantage. Blundergosh: Well, now I'm back to-I'm back-ah-Oh, I don't feel so well. Oh. (throws up) Small Godzilla: Oh, that's gross. Blundergosh: Okay, I'm better now. It's amazing how much better you feel after puking am I right? You guys? You guys? Am I right? Anyway, Cthulhu, you're hereby banished back to the depths of Hell! Cthulhu: No! No! No! Jet Jaguar: So, in a way, all of this was kinda Godzilla's fault because he cheated death a while back, which sent Blundergosh in a bender and made us all vulnerable. Godzilla: Yeah, but on the plus side, there's a whole bunch of me now!